Weight is just a number

I recently weighed myself and I am exactly the weight I was 13 years ago when I first went to Weight Watchers. I remember that day well. I was 17 and finally facing my unhealthy eating and living habits. Over the course of about 6 months, I lost more than 50 pounds (and ended up at an unhealthily low weight). However, in that time my eating and living habits didn't really end, they just changed. My pant size was smaller, but I still had the same issues. My problem was idolatry, not my weight. Now, 13 years and 4 babies later, I am the "same" size but I feel, and am, completely different. It has taken gaining and losing 40+ pounds going on four times to start actually feeling comfortable in my body, whatever the size.

I have warred with my body my whole life. No matter the size, I have picked it apart and critiqued it ruthlessly. Even when I was at my lowest weight, I was obsessively worried about "chin fat." I have hurt my body because it wasn't doing the "right" thing. I was trying to attain my worth through my appearance, not through my actual worth through Jesus. I both hated and loved food, and ate because of my feelings (good or bad) or because of some "points" on my chart for the day. It's taken me a long time to learn to eat because I'm hungry.

It's so easy to get caught up in the numbers and feel down on myself because of what the scale says. But it's about much more than a number. That number doesn't have to mean what it meant in high school. Instead it means that I've borne a beautiful baby and now I get to learn how to love food and treat my body well. Maybe (hopefully) that number will go down, but for now I don't have to obsess about it like I once did. I am worth more than a number. I am worthy because of Jesus.